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Thursday, October 31, 2013

Making Colon Cancer my Bitch....

Life, as it frequently will, has gotten in the way of reviewing books. And, I'll admit, the reviewing of ARC's for publishers had started to feel like a job as opposed to something fun. So, I took a *ahem....short break. Which extended to a long break. And now I'm maybe back. But not in anyway that is bookish for now. In fact...if you're reading this...well....first...wow...I'm still on your feed? That's shocks the hell outta me. And second...my life has taken some big left turns lately, and I think I'm going to write about them here. Not so much for anyone to read, but sort of as self induced therapy.
All you moms know what I mean, there are just some things that you can't really talk to your kids about, they have enough to deal with, and my husband...marvelous loving man that he is, I can't seem to dump all this angst on him yet. So, I figure, here, with a mythical, imaginary reader, I can vent to my hearts content. Because I know I feel better when I vent.
Yeah, so....I have colon cancer. Wow. Took me three days after the diagnosis to be able to actually say the word. On Oct. 15, I went in for a routine colonoscopy, my second, no symptoms...no nuthin'. I remember waking up a wee bit during the procedure and hearing the doc say, "there's a mass in the sigmoid colon"...and I thought to myself, "well crap, I'm pretty sure he's talking about me since I'm the only patient in here." Then I went back to sleep. I guess I'm glad I had that little bit of insight, because when they insisted my driver, my adult daughter...(4 months pregnant with my first grandbaby! YAY!!) come into the room so the doc could talk to us after I woke up. I pretty much knew what he was going to say. In retrospect..I should have taken those few minutes before he came in and prepared my girl. Dumb.
Also dumb, was the fact that I was a year late for the test. I had benign polyps in the first test, and was supposed to return in 3 years. The prep the first time was just awful, and I kept avoiding it. My hubby nagged, I avoided. Then something weird happened. I know nobody would believe this...I swear it makes me seem mental, but a couple of weeks before I made the appointment, I would get the weirdest feeling. Almost like a wee little voice inside. And at the most random times. I'd be driving out to Camarillo to see my mom in law, listening to a zombie novel or something equally deep on the stereo, and for a split second, I'd think, "You're going to have cancer." Or "you've got some challenges ahead". Or a song would come on....Tim McGraw's "Live Like you were Dying"...and even though I've always thought it was a lovely song, that was it, and during the song, the damn little voice would say, "pay attention to this one". I thought, "Wow...your vivid imagination has run amok!" But finally, after a couple of weeks, I called and made the consultation appointment. Now, the first time I had this done, it took three weeks for the initial consult and about a month more for the actual procedure. So, I'm thinking, "yeah...I'll get the appointment, feel virtuous, and still have lots of time for all the stuff I'm always doing!"
Hmm...damn...whaddya mean you have an opening this coming Tuesday? It's Friday already....crap. Can't think of a good excuse. Okay...I'll take it. Little voice finally shuts the hell up.
Initial consult is as usual, sort of pointless. Mostly just get a prescription for the nasty crap that cleans you out and then they schedule the procedure. Okay...I'll have lots of time before that....whaddya mean...you have and opening on THURSDAY!!??? In two days? Nope...can't do it. Wouldn't be able to find a driver on that short notice. Oh...you have an opening in one week too? And then nothing until November 25th? Well, crap. I don't want to do this the same week as Thanksgiving. Nothing says "yay, Thanksgiving dinner, like the residual week long nausea I had after my last colonoscopy. Ok. I'll take next Tuesday.
The week goes by, little voice is still gone. I prepared for the prep more this time, instead of following the docs advice to do one day of bland, white food and one day of liquid diet, I did two of each. It's funny, but after you've done the bowel prep, the next time, you find yourself looking at food with the eye to..."hmmm...well THIS has to be gone in X days...is it worth it??" Usually, the answer was, "um..no." Drank tons of water that night, didn't want to get dehydrated what with the fire hose my tookus had become earlier that day...woke up at 11:45 to pee. And as I walked into the bathroom, the little voice reappeared. With such force and insistence that I found myself speaking the words out loud. "Right now..today...is before...tomorrow will be after. And everything will change."
I'm not a religious person. I'll admit I've always sort of envied people who can believe with all their hearts. So I'm not going to put a name to my little voice. Guardian angel? My brains understanding on a some sub-atomic level that something was wrong in my body? I don't know. But it was right. Everything has changed.
Bear with me, kind reader, if you haven't already given up on my long and rambling epistle. I don't know if anyone will ever read any of this. But I feel better just getting it out.


bermudaonion said...

I know you can and will beat this thing. Both my father and father-in-law survived colon cancer over 25 years ago. I'm sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

Alexia561 said...

So sorry you have to go down this road, but venting definitely helps! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! And yeah for the upcoming grandbaby!